The past cannot be changed...

But can it be forgiven? Most of the time, I'd like to think so... But somethings, I don't believe should be forgiven. No, let me rephrase that. Should not be forgotten. If someone has proved to you, over and over again, that they'll hurt you, should you keep letting them back in? I think that's some kind of sadistic torture to inflict on ones self. Almost like punishing yourself for something you think you did wrong. Well, let me tell you. self preservation is important. As is your own happiness. Let go of your past... Move on in life and smile every day. Forgive, but never forget.

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Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarge the future.
~Paul Boese
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One cannot be forced to change...

So, we left for New York on Friday... This even started badly... With a dispute over cleanliness between my father and Thomas. Then in the car there was another, much more heated fight. See, my father drives like he has a death wish... Far to fast, far to crazy. Thomas said something, and my dad let it go. A bit later, Tom said something again, and dad pulled the car over and got in a screaming match. This screaming match resulted in my laptop getting hit and smashed by my dad. Now, I'm a little angry with everyone in the car, and not to sure who deserves my anger. I'm angry with dad for losing his cool, and hitting my computer. I'm angry with Thomas for starting the argument. I'm angry with mom because she couldn't calm her husband down. And I'm angry at myself, for not thinking to move my bloody computer out of the way.

So, the rest of the ride went more smoothly. No more fighting, just horrid boredom. Since we had uploaded all of our shows to my computer, which no longer had a damn screen. Then we get there, and his ex girlfriend calls. Which is ALWAYS the highlight of my day. (If you can't taste the sarcasm in the last sentence, get off my blog.) And he shit talks my family to her, which I'm aware they sort of suck... But they're my family, it's all I got. So I was hurt, and angry with him.

He met my family, one of my aunts, and one uncle, hate him. For no apparent reason, since he hardly spoke to them, and they made no attempt to talk with him either. Other than that, I think it went okay. Except that him and I could NOT stop fighting... And still can't. And I refuse to believe PMS has a thing to do with it.

See, lately he's been talking to ALL of his ex girlfriends. One that he was in love with for all of middle school, high school, and a good part of his adult life. One who left him inthe middle of the night, for another man. And the most recent one. All of which, he's been planning trips to go see, if he/we can. Now, maybe I'm overly jealous... But I am NOT okay with this shit. He was a compulsive cheater in the past, and I'm not fool enough to think I'm anything special enough for him to be different now.

Oh, in fact. When we get our apartment, he wants the most recent ex to move in! So he can be around his son. The ex whom, since we ran away, has sent him dozens of nude emails... Asks for nudes of him, has RECEIVED nudes of him. Has had phone sex with him... I don't like her. I want him near his sons, yes. But I don't want that whore in my house.

How the hell do I tell him what an idiot I think he is, and that everything he's doing is dead wrong, without sounding like a total bitch. I mean, can he change? Will he be like this forever? A smart man once told me, a leapord cannot change it's spots. Is this true?

It breaks my heart... It really, really does. I feel so very lost, and so very confused.

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He who rejects change is the architect of decay.
The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.
~Harold Wilson

It is not necessary to change.
Survival is not mandatory.
~W. Edwards Deming

Love can not exists without trust.
Where there is no trust, there also, is no love.
~Unknown
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