Maybe I should hate you for this

So, Tom and I, we never were really dating. But, we were so close, I felt like we were. He calls me hunny, baby, sweetie. He makes love to me. He kisses me. He hold me. He cuddles me. He says he loves me. But, how am I to believe a word of that?

It's been 4 years now. Four long years, of waiting on him... Of defending and sacrificing for him. Of planning a life around him. And now, now that I've made probably the biggest sacrifice yet, he informed me, he would rather not date me. At first he tried to soften the blow with the typical I don't want to date right now, bullshit. But, now he'd like me to agree to allow his ex and her soon to be born baby to move in. Please excuse me, but does anyone else smell shit?

He swears it to be platonic. Nothing more than a way to see his son. I swear he's trying to play me. And I swear I'm not that naive. She doesn't want it to be platonic, and now when I question him about it... he denies less and less. He answers less and less. And I feel defeated, more and more.

I've lived with him and her, once before. for a couple of months. And I drank heavily. Found creative ways to get high, completely legally, hurt myself, and cried on a regular basis. Never sober. But hey, anything to numb the pain. Anything to ignore the heartbreak, and damn well anything to keep him from knowing. No, not because I was embarrassed. I'm never embarrassed in front of him. But so I wouldn't INCONVENIENCE him.

Now, I work about 40 hours a week. Excuse me, but I can't afford to be permanently inebriated. And, at the same time, I cannot deal with that sort of stress and emotional toll day in and day out. May God help them both, if I have ANY reason to believe they slept together. Because, if it happens, it will be under the assumption that it IS platonic. Because, if I can't have him, no one under my roof better either. That's not fair, and I will NOT do that to myself.

I feel like I've been played for the past 4 years. I've given up every thing, EVERYTHING, for this man. I gave up all of my friends. And the ones who were left? I gave up when we ran away to get here. When we were SUPPOSE to leave the past behind us. I guess I was the only one who did that...

I gave up my family, when I chose him. When I turned my fucking back on my own blood, for someone I thought would be my forever. They may forgive me, but can I ever hold my head up again? Can I even not carry that shame? Can they ever forget what I've done?

I want to hate him... It'd make it hurt less. But I can't do that... He's my one true confident. My friend. My lover. The only one who knows the WHOLE truth. And, of course. The only one I have left. And I know hating him, would end up hurting a LOT more. But, how do you get over someone you hold every night?

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She gotta live right and do right by self
She do for self she don't want your help
Afraid of being alone
But fear ain't enough to knock her off of that stone
Gonna make that home a home
With or without a man that she can call her own
~Atmosphere

We binge, we purge, we sleep around
we drink too much & get too high,
anything to blot out the past
~Secret

You wanna know what it's like to love you?
It's like taking me to the top of the highest mountain,
showing me the entire world then telling me
'this is everything you can't have.'
~SLAT
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The past cannot be changed...

But can it be forgiven? Most of the time, I'd like to think so... But somethings, I don't believe should be forgiven. No, let me rephrase that. Should not be forgotten. If someone has proved to you, over and over again, that they'll hurt you, should you keep letting them back in? I think that's some kind of sadistic torture to inflict on ones self. Almost like punishing yourself for something you think you did wrong. Well, let me tell you. self preservation is important. As is your own happiness. Let go of your past... Move on in life and smile every day. Forgive, but never forget.

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Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarge the future.
~Paul Boese
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One cannot be forced to change...

So, we left for New York on Friday... This even started badly... With a dispute over cleanliness between my father and Thomas. Then in the car there was another, much more heated fight. See, my father drives like he has a death wish... Far to fast, far to crazy. Thomas said something, and my dad let it go. A bit later, Tom said something again, and dad pulled the car over and got in a screaming match. This screaming match resulted in my laptop getting hit and smashed by my dad. Now, I'm a little angry with everyone in the car, and not to sure who deserves my anger. I'm angry with dad for losing his cool, and hitting my computer. I'm angry with Thomas for starting the argument. I'm angry with mom because she couldn't calm her husband down. And I'm angry at myself, for not thinking to move my bloody computer out of the way.

So, the rest of the ride went more smoothly. No more fighting, just horrid boredom. Since we had uploaded all of our shows to my computer, which no longer had a damn screen. Then we get there, and his ex girlfriend calls. Which is ALWAYS the highlight of my day. (If you can't taste the sarcasm in the last sentence, get off my blog.) And he shit talks my family to her, which I'm aware they sort of suck... But they're my family, it's all I got. So I was hurt, and angry with him.

He met my family, one of my aunts, and one uncle, hate him. For no apparent reason, since he hardly spoke to them, and they made no attempt to talk with him either. Other than that, I think it went okay. Except that him and I could NOT stop fighting... And still can't. And I refuse to believe PMS has a thing to do with it.

See, lately he's been talking to ALL of his ex girlfriends. One that he was in love with for all of middle school, high school, and a good part of his adult life. One who left him inthe middle of the night, for another man. And the most recent one. All of which, he's been planning trips to go see, if he/we can. Now, maybe I'm overly jealous... But I am NOT okay with this shit. He was a compulsive cheater in the past, and I'm not fool enough to think I'm anything special enough for him to be different now.

Oh, in fact. When we get our apartment, he wants the most recent ex to move in! So he can be around his son. The ex whom, since we ran away, has sent him dozens of nude emails... Asks for nudes of him, has RECEIVED nudes of him. Has had phone sex with him... I don't like her. I want him near his sons, yes. But I don't want that whore in my house.

How the hell do I tell him what an idiot I think he is, and that everything he's doing is dead wrong, without sounding like a total bitch. I mean, can he change? Will he be like this forever? A smart man once told me, a leapord cannot change it's spots. Is this true?

It breaks my heart... It really, really does. I feel so very lost, and so very confused.

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He who rejects change is the architect of decay.
The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.
~Harold Wilson

It is not necessary to change.
Survival is not mandatory.
~W. Edwards Deming

Love can not exists without trust.
Where there is no trust, there also, is no love.
~Unknown
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Reality is better than any dream ♥

So, while this Memorial day weekend was rather uneventful, it was still good. Thursday night, at midnight, we went to see Prince of Persia. It was pretty good, but didn't fallow the game quite right... The ending was where it should have began. Still, highly recommended, go see it! Friday, I don't think we did anything, except maybe go walk through the mall... Saturday, we had plans, they fell through. You'd think that would suck... But we cuddled in bed all day watching Super Natural and Fireflies. I love love love those shows.

Sunday, we went to this sliding rock. It's a long stretch of rock, with water steadily coming down it, and you can literally slide down, like a water slide or a slip n slide. And it's crazy fun. Except for the creepy salamanders that like, fallow me. It was a lot of fun...We got rained out. I secretly love the rain though, so it's okay. Til my stupid ass car flooded. I have a convertible, the back window has fallen out. Rain makes me her bitch.

And Monday, was also slow. Getting ready to head to New York, we went to the mall, got some amazingly delicious food, looked around Wal-mart,came home, and slept. it's been lazy, but that works for me.

Get mad, then get over it. - Colin Powell

So, tell me if I'm being ridiculous. There has been a family even planned in New York, since December... And Thomas and I are due to go to my parents in SC, and ride with them to New York, cause my car can't do it. Well, then there was talk of Tom and I riding with my aunt, Caroline. Which Tom liked more, because his track record with her is better. Well, THAT got fucked up, and we're back to riding with mom and dad, LIKE ORIGINALLY PLANNED! And now, he's refusing to go, because he doesn't want to be in a car with my parents for 12 hours. But that's what it was suppose to be in the first place. So what's the big deal?

I feel like he's mad cause he didn't get his way now. And since it won't be how he wants it, he won't go. I offered for him to go with my aunt, and I'll ride with my parents... But he doesn't want to be separated from me. And, I can't come up with anymore ideas. He has this whole reasoning, as to why he won't go, so he's justified it in his own head, I still think it's dumb. So, now he's just plain not going. But he hasn't told my parents that, and I don't feel it's my responsibility, plus, I don't wanna be bitched at BECAUSE he doesn't want to go. Because they wasted $160 to board the animals, which if he's not going, he could stay at their house to watch. The fact that it's extremely rude, since we've already RSVPed. And, they just paid for a full suit for him.

I'm really, really upset about it. Not just because I feel he's being a little childish. But because, it's really, really, important to me, that my family meet him, and he meet my family. It's important to me that the members who already like him, continue to like him. And I think by not going, they'll see it as a temper tantrum, and decide, maybe he's not as good a person as they thought. He is, he's a great man, really. But he's obviously not seeing things clearly right now. Plus, now what? I go alone, to be completely bored and lonely, and think about and worry about him the whole week!

I don't want to force him into going, and I probably could. Well, not force him... God knows, I can't -make- him do anything! But I probably could bitch and whine and cry and guilt him into going. But I don't want it to be that way. I want him to go, because it's important to me. I mean, Caroline is married to Mike, and Mike and dad disagree on a lot of things to, maybe not as strongly as Tom and dad, but still, they disagree, dad's just hard to get a long with sometimes. but he still does all sorts of things with my father, because he has too for Caroline, to make things simple, to keep the peace. He doesn't like it, but he does it cause he loves her. Sacrifice. It's important. Am I being dumb? Help.

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If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it.
You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so.
It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you,
and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other.
~Walter Anderson

When a man sends you an impudent letter,
sit right down and give it back to him with interest ten times compounded,
and then throw both letters in the wastebasket.
~Elbert Hubbard
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